What To Do If You Fall For Men Who Are “Out Of Reach”

What To Do If You Fall For Men Who Are “Out Of Reach”


I hear from women all the time who have a pattern of falling for men who keep them at a distance, or who always seem slightly “out of reach.”

These are the the type of men who always keep them guessing, or who give them enough attention to keep them “there” but not enough to truly make them feel happy and secure in the relationship – and it never seems to move forward towards a REAL commitment.

If you have a tendency to fall for the wrong men for you – or for the ones who always seem slightly “out of reach” – giving that up to have the relationship of your dreams with the RIGHT man for you takes a leap of faith.

It takes trust that you can move from what feels “familiar” to you into the unknown. Every person who’s in a fantastic relationship at some point had to step out of their comfort zone into the unknown (myself included!).

I remember always feeling attracted to men who kept me at a distance because deep down this is where I felt safe.

There was no risk of true emotional intimacy with these men, which is what kept me “stuck” on them even when I wasn’t getting everything I wanted in the relationship.

When you’re with the right man for you, you’ll feel grounded and balanced. You’ll always know where you stand with him because he’ll make it clear with his ACTIONS that he wants to be in your life – there won’t be any “games” or back-and-forth behavior.

You won’t feel obsessive, unbalanced, or uncomfortable in any way. You also won’t feel that crazy sense of urgency or LONGING that often kicks in when you’re with someone who isn’t fully committed to you, or who always feels slightly “out of reach.”

Those feelings are often clues that this man aligns perfectly with your childhood “wounds” or fits right in with your old relationship patterns that haven’t worked out for you in the past.

When you’re with the right man for you, everything will feel easy and comfortable – you won’t feel urgent or “off-balance.”

We experience fear and excitement in our body in the same way – the only difference is our inner dialogue.

For people who haven’t had easy love lives, or perhaps have even experienced abuse in their past, these two feelings can often get mixed up – and the feeling that SHOULD come across as fear actually comes across as excitement.

The intense obsessive feelings you get when you’re with a man who fits into your old relationship patterns is often a fear response from your subconscious telling you that this isn’t the right person for you.

The intensity in and of itself doesn’t equal true love – even though it can stir up feelings in you that may FEEL like love to you.

Instead, the intense feelings are often linked to something in your past. For example, the feelings of instant chemistry you can feel with a man who isn’t going to be into you for the long haul may be linked to your lack of self-acceptance.

To start turning this around, you can ask yourself – what parts of yourself are YOU not accepting that’s causing you to attract (and feel attracted TO) the type of man who’s not accepting you or fully committing to you exactly as you are?

Once you get that message, you’ll no longer feel the need to stay connected to that type of man, and that “pull” towards him will start to fade so you can move forward towards the RIGHT man for you and the relationship of your dreams.

If you’re ready to stop attracting the wrong men (so you can attract the RIGHT one!), click here to listen to a free training I hosted on this topic.

17 thoughts on “What To Do If You Fall For Men Who Are “Out Of Reach””

  1. My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for over 6 months. I want to have sex with him and have told him I would like to be intimate
    He on the other hand keeps putting me off and says sure sometime
    He just keeps putting me off
    What should I do? I am a widow and havenxt had sex in 3 years
    What should I do?

    1. I would confront him. First, get a background check to ensure he’s not married. And I have to respect someone who wants to wait. Is it a moral thing? Ask him. If not, is it a medical thing? Like erectile dysfunction. And if so, how do you see him now???

  2. It’s so hard to walk away from a man who blows hot and cold, mostly cold. He lives in another city an hour away.
    I have a very happy life which helps me to distance myself from him. It feels empowering not replying to his, texts for a few days, he seems to miss me then and uses any excuse to contact me. He never takes the initiative regarding arranging to see me. Only if I text or phone him then he’ll ask me what am I doing tomorrow? If we make any advance arrangements he often cancells, too busy at work, his grown up daughter is visiting from another city, or his adult son has suddenly arrived, etc.
    I need a lot of strength to walk away.
    Any ideas on how to do this?

    1. Omg Eva…this is ME TOO, 1000%! I totally get what you’re saying & wonder the very same thing. I know this 9 month “relationship” (& I use that term VERY loosely) isn’t healthy for me, but knowing full well, all I do, WHY the hell is it so difficult to just walk away?! It’s so very very aggravating! However, that being said, I am definitely feeling myself pulling away too. I’m so very tired of him “dictating” things in the relationship. Whether we see each other, talk on the phone… I’ve seriously began to grow very tired of the BS. I’m the type to hold back in the beginning, feelings wise, & he was expressing AND showing great interest. NOW, he does the same things your BF is doing. My BF is now ALL talk, but there’s absolutely NO actions to back up the words! I’m just tired of supposedly being in a relationship & yet feeling alone/lonely! I KNOW it’s time to move on, it’s just so difficult! BUT…so is being in this relationship! Wheres the trade off?!

      1. I have definitely moved on now Kelly. What I’ve discovered is that if I move on and tell him I genuinely don’t want to s.ee him, he wants me. Before he used hoover and reel me back in then withdraw. I am no longer involved with schoolboy tactics like his, and enjoy relaxing and enjoyable relationships with genuine grown up men. Goodbye breadcrumbing, hoovering and predictable game – playing. But mainly, I like being single. The loves of life are close friends and family. Good luck!

  3. Absolutely love this article!! So true and so wise. I have been working on myself for years plus I am training to be a counselor however the light bulb moments with this article were a bit of an eye opener!! Fantastic advice!! Thank you!! It came at just the right time for me!! ❤️

  4. If you met a man An you think he’s good looking an he told his friends that you was nice an cute what did he mean on what he said about me

  5. Alesha Miller

    Recently single idk what to really say about the young man I’m currently seeing/sleeping with. I know he doesn’t want a relationship but I don’t want to be single. I’ve tired to connect with other men but my heart won’t let me. I think I’m setting myself up for failure but I still can’t seem to walk away. We send a lot of time together but I know he has other love interest Any advice for my situation?

    1. That makes hardly any sense at all tho. I’m a grounded beautiful woman with a great outgoing personality hobbies friends an ex I’m still friends with matter fact all my ex’s are my friends albiet distant but no animosity n yet I attract these friggin JERK FBoys constantly.im in the thick of one such crap situationship as we friggin speak. I allowed myself to get trapped in this take take while I give give n unable tiget him to invest I quit investing but then here we are both not investing n me still caring while he slowly loses interest slowly loses lust loses respect ..every emotionally connectable piece of a good relationship has gone down the tubes. No matter what I did ..talk talk talk yell scream cry not care for care whatever it is I’m goin thru has gotten little to no response unless it’s something to shut me up. He has learned to dislike me for all the reasons I thot he had fallen in love with me in the beginning. . am I cursed. I think accepting the alternative is much much worse. ..that I’ve been played like a fiddle n I’m being used and abused of n have learned to blame myself for it so I stay with it.

      So Done. From PHX AZ


  6. Best thing I ever did was join the gym.
    I was very over weight and hated myself so much and had zero self confidence.
    I’m working on myself from my abusive and unloved past.
    I now have the confidence to not attract the men I have in the past and to accept myself and I am actually enjoying my single life.

  7. I have had a FWB on/off for over 10 years. I have always wanted more. He obviously has not. When I have been available he is not and vice versa. I really want/need to cut the strings but for some unknown reason I just haven’t been able to. I was so close a year ago. I was finally at a point I wasn’t thinking of him every minute of the day and I think he honed in on that and started contacting me again. He is the only guy that has ever had this affect on me and it is very unsettling. My rational side can sit and tell you why he is just a selfish jerk and then the lovestruck teenager side of me (I’m 47 btw!) will tell you why my heart chooses him. This article has hit the nail on the head about me with him. I seem to attract and am attracted to emotionally dead men. I really need to figure out why.

  8. I’ve been seeing this guy for 4 months now . I just got out of a horrible relationship with a guy I was with for 13 years .He seems distant at times and I wish I could open up and get closer to him but my walls go up . I’m not sure what he wants on the relationship between us.We talk about everyday ,but only get together 2or 3tomes a month from e to his shift work .J just wondering how I can ask him about what he wants from our relationship without seeming pushy .Any ideas thanks in advance

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