In the last post, I shared a letter from someone who’s letting go of a man who suddenly disappeared without warning.

In this post, I’m going to give you some steps to help you emotionally detach from an ex – or from any man who’s not “stepping up” in the relationship.

Letting go of a man who’s no longer “there” – or who isn’t giving you all the love, attention, and affection you deserve – is the first step to creating the space to attract the RIGHT man for you (who will never disappear)!

Women ask me all the time, “How do I detach from my ex? How do I let go of a man who isn’t reciprocating the feelings I have for him? I can’t stop thinking about him!” This is very, very common.

 Hope is the first thing to enter a relationship, and it’s the last thing to leave.

If you’re trying to get over an ex or any man who’s not “stepping up” – it’s time to let go of that part of you that really wishes that if things could be different, or if you could only be “enough” – THEN he would love you and everything would work out.

When we’re feeling strongly attached to someone who doesn’t seem to be reciprocating our feelings – we tend to think that love “must come this way” or “look like this” or “come from this ONE person.”

This ties back to how you learned to receive love in your family of origin – and it’s what your subconscious uses to create that spark of attraction – it’s the template through which you’re moving through the world and telling yourself that “love feels like this.”

The truth is, love is so expansive that we can’t even begin to grasp the limitlessness of it! Love is limitless with limitless expressions.

For example, when two people have a baby and then they have another baby, that second child ADDS more love to that family – it doesn’t take away from the love they have for the first child.

Love just grows and grows – it’s limitless to the point of where our minds can’t even GRASP it’s availability to us. 

When you get “stuck” on someone who’s not giving you all the love you deserve – you’re not serving yourself.

Deep down there may be a part of you that thinks, “If I could just GET this man to love me, that would heal me.” Or, “If I could just change this part of me that he doesn’t like (or that I don’t like), then he would love me…”

The truth is, that’s not a game you’re ever going to win. Even if you did manage to change that part of you – in situations like this, it still wouldn’t work. There would always be SOMETHING that’s holding him back.

Once you get to the place where you KNOW this isn’t the right man for you and it’s time to let him go – here are some logistical things you can do to “get him out of your system”:

Delete his phone number and email address. Un-friend him on Facebook and other social networks. Set up your life so that you can disengage from him. If there’s something in your house that reminds you of him, get rid of it.

That part of you that wants to get love from this man won’t want to do this – and you may feel a lot of resistance.

There’s also an energetic and emotional piece to this – here’s what you can do if you still can’t get him out of your head:

1. Look for the “message” that this man had for you. Everyone comes into your life for a reason – they’re showing up as a “mirror” for you to learn something deeper about yourself.

What did you learn about yourself through this relationship? How can you grow within yourself to move past this man towards the man you’re SUPPOSED to be with?

For example, maybe he showed you a glimpse of something you’re looking for in a partner. Or perhaps he was waiving lots of red flags and you missed them because of the chemistry you felt for him – and now you’ve learned not to do that.

2. Write him a letter that you’re never going to send.

Write out all the things you learned from this relationship in the POSITIVE sense – such as, “I’m thankful that you came into my life. This is what I learned about myself and about relationships because of you…”

When you discover the “message” that this man had for you and what you learned about yourself – that “pull” towards him and that longing will start to fade.

You’ll start to feel gratitude instead, and you can release him. Once you gain the learning and the “message” – it will make it easier for you to let go of him and move forward with your life.

    6 replies to "How To Get Over A Man Who's Not Stepping Up – Part 2"

    • Brandy

      Perfectly timed…..AGAIN! Feeling the pull right now. I really relate to the piece about thinking that this is how love feels. Also, I tend to get scared or pull away when I man is actually moving towards me. I’ve got things all backwards I think. How do I fix that? :’-(

      • Helena Hart

        Hi Brandy,
        This has to do with what feels FAMILIAR to you. When we’re faced with something that feels familiar versus what we truly desire – we’ll often feel that “pull” towards what’s FAMILIAR to us. So what you want to do is start CHANGING what’s familiar to you!
        I’d start in baby steps by getting used to what it feels like when a man is moving towards you. You want to feel your feelings when that happens and proceed anyway, even if it feels like you’re stepping outside of your comfort zone – rather than pull away. Eventually you’ll start to feel turned OFF if a man’s energy isn’t coming towards you – instead of feeling that “pull” towards him.
        Love, Helena

    • Julia

      Excellent article, Helena! I especially liked the final part, about finding the message and focusing on gratitude. “What have I learned from this?” feels much, much better than “Why did he disappear?” From my recent experience, I can add one more advice, if I may: “Give it TIME!” No, time does not automatically equal healing (that has to come from a place inside each of us!), and still… it does help a lot.
      I can also report that I’m now feeling almost completely detached from the guy who inspired my initial letter (and to be honest, it also helped that I went on a holiday and… uhm… interacted with men *blush*). When something reminds me of him, I do feel still feel some small residual bitterness, and I also feel a kind of large, warm, unconditional fondness. “Yup, he’s a great guy, and he was into me for a while. It felt wonderful at the time, and now I’m open to receiving OTHER amazing guys in my life”. I feel proud of myself for the emotional place I’ve reached!
      And I also feel grateful to you, Helena—not just for the very wise advice and for sharing this, but also for your personal e-mail coaching back when this guy first disappeared. It helped a lot (in keeping me sane, stopping me from leaning forward after him, and starting this healing process), so thank you!

      • Helena Hart

        Julia – you’re very welcome!! I’m SO happy to hear that you no longer feel attached to the man who disappeared, what an amazing success story! 🙂
        I agree that giving it time helps a lot – and that healing has to come from a place within US, it has very little to do with the man. Looking at it this way helps to keep the focus on YOURSELF and think “big” – rather than thinking “small” by focusing on the man and what he’s doing or not doing.
        Looking forward to hearing what happens next for you!
        Love, Helena

    • Christina

      This is a wonderful post, Helena, thank you so much! I’m setting aside some time tonight to write my gratitude letter to my ex (that I’ll never mail). I plan on putting it in the folder with all the other photos, notes, and mementos from our time together and tuck deep into my desk drawer. Maybe I’ll rediscover this folder one day and finally feel ready to toss the whole thing — but I plan to keep the gratitude!
      I did go on Facebook and delete all of the “couple” photos of us together. He rarely uses Facebook, never posts anything personal, so I’m not quite ready to completely “unfriend” him. Baby steps! Yesterday was my birthday and I kept expecting him to maybe call, since I spent it with him last year. He didn’t call or reach out — and you know what? That was fine! I felt glad we were both moving toward our next right steps even though they aren’t pointing in the same direction.
      I’m also working on not feeling overwhelmed when a man comes toward me as I circle date. I can feel all the excuses flying up as to why we aren’t a fit when it happens. So I plan on staying engaged, but working within my boundaries.
      One of my friends said her dad once gave her some great advice: “Opportunities are like buses, there is always another one coming.”
      I think this applies to great men showing up in our lives, too. 🙂

      • Helena Hart

        Christina – that’s fantastic!! I completely agree – NO man is your “last chance.” If a man isn’t stepping up and moving towards you, he can’t possibly be the right man for you right now.
        Looking for the “message” and then turning your attention towards YOURSELF (instead of staying focused on him) is what creates the space for the right kind of men to start showing up!
        Love, Helena

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