Here’s a great question from Judy about attracting and being attracted to unavailable men. It falls under the category of “I know WHY I’m this way, but I’m still this way.” This is such an incredibly common situation, I thought it would be helpful for everyone.
Hi Helena, I seem to only be attracting and attracted to unavailable men. They’re either married or they just want a “friends with benefits” situation, none of them are looking for a real relationship. I know where this is coming from, it stems from my childhood and my father’s absenteeism. How do I overcome this so I can attract the right man for me? – Judy
Judy – this is a great question! I can definitely relate. As you’ve experienced, having a mental understanding of why we are the way we are is helpful, but it doesn’t always create change or get us a different result.
For example, you can read a book about weight loss and gain all kinds of insight and understanding, yet by the end of the book you don’t actually weigh any less just because you have that information.
The understanding in and of itself doesn’t always give you the ability to change your behavior – and in your case, it doesn’t change who you’re attracting and attracted to.
That little girl inside of you who was abandoned or mistreated is still trying to get that love through these unavailable men – she’s trying to heal that wound.
Deep down there’s a part of you that thinks, “If I can just get this man to love me, that will mean I’m lovable and worthwhile.”
The problem is, you’re never going to heal that wound through these unavailable men. The feeling of being “worth loving” doesn’t come from outside of you, it comes from INSIDE of you.
Every one of us is born a physical embodiment of love. Newborn babies just exude love – they give and receive love freely. At some point they start to learn that love is conditional – and that they have to do something or be a certain way, and essentially change who they are, to earn it.
Somewhere along the way you learned something that’s not true. The truth is, there isn’t anything wrong with you, and you’re fully lovable and worthwhile exactly as you are!
The only thing that needs to change is that you need to realize that you’re WORTH loving – and start treating yourself like someone who’s worth loving!
This might look like setting some boundaries – such as saying “no” to anyone who’s not available and closing that door, despite the strong feelings you may have for some of these unavailable men.
The focus shouldn’t be outside of you – convincing someone to overcome obstacles and “choose” you or love you won’t prove anything.
I can tell you from experience, that’s just not a game you’re ever going to win. You’ll still end up feeling empty on the inside until you learn how to fill YOURSELF up with love.
In the next post, we’re going to take a look at what’s going on with you emotionally. I’ll give you an exercise that will give you something to do with your emotions so you can overcome this and start attracting high quality, available men.