chemistryIf you find yourself attracted to men who aren’t right for you or who always leave you heartbroken, you may be placing too much priority on “chemistry” – which can really hold you back in your love life.
You may have heard this quote before: “When we’re faced with something that’s familiar versus what we truly desire, we’ll choose what’s FAMILIAR to us every time.”
For those of us who haven’t had easy love lives – where love equals obstacles, struggle, or pain – that can be a big problem! How you learned what love IS early in life may not be in alignment with what you truly desire now.
When a man feels familiar to you, you’ll often get that feeling of “instant chemistry” – which comes from your subconscious.

The intense obsessive feelings that often arise out of instant chemistry do NOT equal true love, even though they can create an addictive “high” that may FEEL like love.

A man might feel like “home” to you, but this instant chemistry that gets activated can actually highlight what you DON’T want in a relationship – especially if you have a pattern of attracting and being attracted to men who aren’t good for you, or who keep you at a distance.
These particular feelings about a man come from our subconscious mind, which doesn’t make judgments about what’s good for us and what isn’t. The prefrontal cortex is what makes decisions about whether or not something is in our best interest.
Our subconscious doesn’t do that – it can’t tell whether something is healthy or unhealthy for us. Our body and mind are committed to homeostasis and survival – and if you’re alive, it’s because you’ve survived what’s happened to you in your past.
Our commitment to survival has our subconscious programmed this way. So when you’re faced with with something that’s familiar versus something that’s not familiar – since you’ve survived your past, your subconscious wants to say “you’ve survived this” and you’ll feel drawn to what feels familiar to you.

This is why we can feel very attracted to men who we logically KNOW aren’t good for us – such as men who are unavailable, toxic, or have addiction issues – but sometimes the “chemistry” we feel for these men takes over, and we get involved with them anyway.

If you’ve had abuse in your background, your feelings of “chemistry” can be hooked up to this and will play out the same way.
If you’re constantly chasing rejection, or constantly chasing men and trying to prove yourself to them, and you end up creating the same kind of patterns over and over again – it’s probably because you’re putting way too much attention and priority on “chemistry.” 
When you have a pattern of getting fixated on a person who doesn’t want you or doesn’t love you (I know I sure did!), there’s a message about yourself you need to learn there. As soon as I got that message, I was done – and I didn’t need to play that game anymore.

For now, ask yourself this question: Do you want your IDEAL relationship with someone you may not have met yet, or do you just want this one man who doesn’t want to be with you?

If what you want is your ideal relationship with someone who’s crazy about you and would never dream of leaving you, you have to work on turning around these patterns and actually changing what feels familiar to you.
The good news is, this is definitely possible (I did it myself)! That’s what this work is all about.

    3 replies to "Are You Attracted To Men Who Aren't Right For You?"

    • Tamara

      Hi Helena,
      Your posts always speak to me, this one especially does. Thank you!!

      • Helena Hart

        Thanks Tamara! I’m glad it was helpful.
        Love, Helena

    • Dev

      Hi Helena,
      I’ve been in a polyamorous relationship (I had two partners) for several years, a few years ago. One of them and myself broke up, so I am now in a monogamous relationship, unsure if we want to try polyamory / non-exclusivity again. However, I find that I’m in this pattern now, of being very happy in my couple, but I am deeply attracted to someone else, too, who is unavailable (in couple and not interested in open relationships, despite having obvious and vocalized reciprocal attraction). This has happened twice now. My natural reaction is feeling that these men are amazing and I want them in my life, so I accept to be only friends with them, and I don’t flirt, I respect their boundaries. Of course, this is very difficult and hurts a lot sometimes, but it brings mee deep emotional friendhips and make me happy too. It makes me explore my sexual desire and feminity, as well.
      So to your question above “Do you want your IDEAL relationship with someone you may not have met yet, or do you just want this one man who doesn’t want to be with you?” – I actually want both (and have the first one already)!
      I am unsure if something’s wrong with me, if I’m stuck in this pattern forever, if I should do anything to change it, or if it is my own way of experiencing interpersonal relationships (and in this case I just wish I’d suffer a bit less).
      I’m an overthinker so in some ways I know this situation serves me – I get something to think about. If I move on from my crush, I think I’ll be attracted to a similar situation soon.
      You know, sometimes, I feel like my purpose is just to help good men open up and be more happy. I’ve seen these men evolve at my contact, and it just makes me feel happy.
      I’d be very happy to hear your thoughts – I keep reading your articles and they make sense but each time, because of my particular situation, I feel like they don’t fully apply to me.
      Best! Thank you very much ^^

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