Here’s a comment from Niqui I thought so many women can relate to, I wanted to turn it into a new post. You can read the entire comment here. Thank you, Niqui!
Niqui’s comment:
“…In the last month while he has been “chasing the dollar,” he has begun to withdraw and be disrespectful. I’d “let go” quite a few things he has said in the past chalking it up to his “in your face” New York-style of just saying ANYTHING. However, when he flipped out on me via email several days ago – something in ME switched OFF. I realized that NO ONE in my world speaks to me in the disrespectful manner that he slips into often enough for – in my opinion – no apparent reason. I also realized that I have shyed away from calling him on MOST of his foolishness in an effort to “keep the peace” AND “preserve the relationship”…After realizing that his “going off” is a PATTERN of behavior, I had to CHECK MYSELF… “
There’s a big difference between accepting a man and allowing him to treat you poorly. While it’s important to accept and appreciate the man you’re with, you NEVER want to tolerate bad or neglectful behavior.
Sometimes a man is just clueless – he may be inexperienced and not know what’s ok and what isn’t. This is often the case for smaller issues, like being on time or opening doors for you.
But much of the time – especially when it comes to bigger issues – a man KNOWS what he’s supposed to do and not do in a relationship.
What you tolerate in a relationship is a measure of what you think you deserve. So when you tolerate his bad behavior in order to preserve the relationship, you’re lowering your Degree of Difficulty – which weakens his attraction to you.
Tolerating second-class behavior also causes you to downgrade yourself in your OWN eyes, which erodes your self-esteem.
If he’s consistently behaving in ways you don’t like, the entire relationship dynamic needs to be healed. Trying to get him to do what you want “this one time” won’t heal the entire dynamic. If you’re being ruled by “chemistry” or by your feelings for a man, it can be easy to make excuses for him and ignore your own feelings and intuition.
Perhaps you’ve been clinging to a man who’s halfway out the door, and tolerating his bad behavior is the only thing that’s been keeping him there. You may be worried that NOT tolerating his behavior will send him out the door completely.
If you’re tolerating bad behavior because you’re afraid of losing a man, that creates a whole vibe around you that a man can FEEL – and this does the OPPOSITE of attract him.
So you have to ask yourself – do you want to live your life in constant fear of losing a man who’s treating you poorly? Or do you want to be with someone who’s chasing after YOU and treating you the way you deserve to be treated?
Once you start feeling so good about yourself that you’d never even consider tolerating behavior that doesn’t feel good to you – everything in your life will get better!
10 replies to "Stop Tolerating Bad Behavior"
Helena, you rock! Love, Rori
Helena, this is so true! I know the most amazing women, who put up with awful treatment, when they just SHOULD NOT!
I have just ended a 14 month relationship with a guy who totally disrespected my feelings. He has been having sex with numerous other women, lies constantly, drinks too much and sex with him was a one way street. I also found out that he was bankrupt and after telling me he was spending time with his college friends, was really having holidays with another women, who, he told me, was terminally ill!! I have no idea why I have stayed with him for so long!! I constantly felt anxious and suspicious of his every move and as a consequence felt belittled and not good enough. It hurts terribly to have ended it because for all his faults, if he could have been a genuine guy then we could have had a wonderful life together. BUT, he wasn’t a good guy and I was in denial thinking he would change. Now I want little to do with the opposite sex and I don’t know if I will ever trust again, which is a terrible place to be as I have so much love to give, but not if it gets thrown right back at me and smashed to pieces.
Catherine – I’m so sorry that you’re going through this right now. Although it sounds like an extreme situation, I can relate to your story – I look back at some of the relationships I’ve been in and can’t believe how long I stayed and some of the behavior I “put up with.” I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone. I have many clients in a similar situation who are turning things around and attracting much higher quality men – and having been there myself, I know that if I could turn my love life around, anyone can!
Love, Helena
Always great to see good information that I can use!
Oh Helena,
I so relate to this article.
We’ve been living together for five years, and it is like there is almost no relationship at all. I am at an all-time low in my self-esteem.
I have no desire to tolerate this as a relationship dynamic.
Do you recommend somehow talking to him? Or is it best to simply leave?
Thanks Jenny!! I’m glad it was helpful! I don’t know anything about your situation, but you might want to consider a version of Rori Raye’s “Third Way” – which basically means give yourself a timeline and do the Tools full-out to give your relationship the best shot of working out (if this relationship is something you still want at this point) – and at the same time Circular Date and work on building your self-esteem to prepare yourself in case you decide this relationship is no longer what you want. You need to truly believe that you really will be fine no matter what happens. This is something I can definitely help you with if you’d like!
Love, Helena
Helena, you are helping me see things the way they truly are. There is so much common sense on each word you say. This makes things so easy and decisions so simple. Thank you so much !
Hi Virginia,
You’re very welcome! I’m so glad this was helpful for you.
Love, Helena
I have left a Guy after 7 month relationship…. I didn’t see all your great advice till too late?. I had lowered my value, been the giver instead of receiver, lost his adoration and it has been a hard pill to swallow.
He was upset I actually left as he was financially benefiting but I could no longer handle the moods, the disrespect to my feelings and walking on eggshells….
He really is a good man at heart but I did not hold the standard he originally had for me and human nature went toward selfishness.
I am now learning to care for myself. He sends me encouraging texts or posts almost daily… probably out of guilt. I know he has his own self-esteem and dysfunction from how his father treated him to work on. He is not healthy enough to be in a relationship.
Have you ever heard of two people separating for a year or so to just work on themselves and ever getting back together? I am just curious.
I know I will never settle for something that hurts more than helps again.