Gaining Independence And Self-Esteem In Relationships

3431696939_2045c2026aHere’s a question from Tara about independence and self-esteem in relationships.
The Question:
Hi Helena, I feel like I’m always falling into becoming dependent on a man in relationships, and I end up getting too invested and pushing him away. It seems to be related to my self-esteem, what can I do about this? Thanks! – Tara
My Answer:
Tara – this is a great question! Many women fall into a pattern of becoming too dependent on a man, which ends up pushing him away.
A lot of people talk about the importance of being independent – but what does that mean, and how much independence is necessary for success in relationships?
In my opinion, you need to be 100% independent as a woman. That means you can take care of yourself, and you’re not looking for (or depending on) someone else to meet your basic needs.

Urgency and desperation come about from a feeling that your own “boy” energy can’t take care of you.

A man doesn’t want to feel that you’re with him because you NEED something from him. It’s this energy that will push him away.
Generally speaking, taking care of yourself financially and physically is YOUR job.
The second you start leaning on a man to take care of you for food and shelter, you’re in danger – and you’re likely to get a very controlling man. The good news is…

You can have one part of your life not going well (and we’ve all been there) – such as your health or finances – but you can still feel good about yourself!

Have you ever met a woman who’s life seems to be a mess – and yet she just has all the self-acceptance in the world?
This is the way I want YOU to treat yourself! We can actually learn a lot from women like this.
A woman like this just thinks she’s the greatest thing since sliced bread – you might look at her and think she’s a basket case – but she always has several men chasing after her. 

She attracts every man in her path BECAUSE she thinks she’s the greatest thing since sliced bread!

Instead of going through your list of what’s “good” about you and what’s “bad” about you – I just simply want you say to yourself, “I’m perfect exactly the way I am!”
Rather than trying to change yourself – try focusing on finding out who you are, enjoying yourself and loving yourself.
When things aren’t going well in your life or in your relationship – you likely want to turn all the blame onto yourself. I know how hard this can be, BUT…

Turning all the blame onto yourself won’t work! It creates a whole vibe around you that a man can FEEL.

The moment you start to blame yourself, feel disappointed in yourself, or beat yourself up – that’s when you need to STOP, take a look at what you’re doing to yourself, and try to perceive the situation differently.
That in itself is a major change! This is what’s going to shift your vibe and keep a man coming towards you – rather than blocking his love or pushing him away.
Love, Helena

11 thoughts on “Gaining Independence And Self-Esteem In Relationships”

  1. Even I am confused about how much dependent a woman should be in a relationship. I am not in one now and I like I talk in the Rori Raye method like..’I don’t want to do this..What do you think?’ Is it ok? and should I put out a vibe like I can 100% take care of myself?

    1. Great question! Yes – “I feel _____. I don’t want _____. What do you think?” is a good script for communicating with men.
      You want to be able to take care of your own basic needs – you don’t want to put out the vibe that you’re looking for a man to do that for you.
      What a man needs is to feel masculine in the relationship. When a man feels that he fulfills you in a romantic, masculine way – and that you’re with him because you really love HIM, not because you NEED something from him – that’s when he really falls in love.
      Love, Helena

  2. I know a few women just like what you described, kind of all over the place but they think very highly of themselves and they all have wonderful men who just adore them and want to give them the world! I’m trying to have more self-acceptance like that myself.

    1. Melissa – that’s fantastic!! When you love and accept yourself – and think highly of yourself no matter what – you’ll attract the type of man who will love you for exactly who you are and think very highly of you too!
      Love, Helena

  3. Well it was a really excellent post. Thanx for writing these kinds of tips here. I really hope you’re going to carry on enlightening folks in future with this kind of helpful information.

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