In the last post, I explained that when you’re feeling triggered or angry with a man, your first instinct may be to attact him – but attacking or blaming a man can make him feel unsafe and cause him to get defensive and “shut down” or pull away from you.
I want to show you how to express yourself without blaming a man or making him “wrong” – so you can actually bring him CLOSER during an argument, rather than push him away.
Here’s a way to express yourself in a way a man can HEAR, even when you’re feeling triggered:
1. When you feel the urge to blame or attack him – STOP.
There’s a very “forward-leaning” quality to blaming or attacking a man. I want you to do the OPPOSITE – stop, lean back, and breathe.
2. Find your feelings.
When you feel the urge to blame or attack him – ask yourself, “How am I feeling right now? Am I feeling upset, angry, sad, scared, or something else?”
3. Speak your feelings.
Use the phrase, “I feel __________” or “I’m feeling __________.”
Notice how I’m NOT using the word “you” here – it’s important to not refer to his behavior at all.
Also, don’t use the words “hurt” or “disrespected” here – that’s just like saying “You hurt me…” or “You disrespected me…” – which can make him feel defensive and cause him to shut down.
4. Stop and listen to him.
Don’t go into a long explanation about why you feel this way – in fact, don’t explain yourself at all! Stop and listen to what he says, and repeat steps 1 – 3 if necessary.
You may think that men can’t handle our anger, but that’s just not true. Masculine-energy men can absolutely handle our anger! They just don’t like it when we say it’s THEIR fault.
Saying to a man, “I’m feeling angry right now…” is SO much better than, “I can’t believe you said that, you’re such a jerk!”
This is an example of Rori Raye’s tool of Feeling Messages (Rori is my brilliant mentor who’s eBook, Have The Relationship You Want, truly changed my life and helped me turn my own love life around and attract my amazing husband – click here to get Rori’s AMAZING free newsletters!).
When you take responsibility for what you’re experiencing in the moment, you can get the same message across without holding your man responsible for your feelings.
This can often get to the root of the problem quickly and actually bring him CLOSER when done correctly.
It may sound simple, but this is one of the most challenging communication skills for people to learn since it’s counterintuitive to the way our brains are wired.
When you take the time to get in touch with what you’re feeling and share your experience in the moment, a man can actually HEAR you and will be much less likely to get defensive or “shut down” on you. This is essential to opening the lines of communication.
Instead of repeating old destructive relationship patterns, this can help end recurring conflict so you can safely connect with each other in a way that brings you CLOSER, rather than driving you further apart.
4 replies to "How To Bring A Man CLOSER During An Argument – Part 2"
Hi- I am so confused by a difference you state here. You’re saying It is okay and best, if you say “I feel angry” instead of “you made me angry” but it is not okay to say “i feel hurt” because that is the same as saying he hurt you. They seem the same to me. Both are “I” messages. Can you please clarify? Thanks 🙂
p.s. I JUST got into this with a man I am dating. I have been taught this communication style, and think it is brilliant, and yet, he is so defensive, that even when I make “I” messages and share my feelings, he is feeling criticized. I have an ex husband and an ex boyfriend, who ALL reacted this way! I feel so helpless around ever feeling heard by a man. Can some men hear us? Is it possibly always MY fault? UGH!
Great question, Lily! This is a Rori Raye concept – she advises against using works such as “hurt” and “disrespected” in your feeling messages because they cause a man to feel defensive and possibly shut down.
This is because a man can hurt you and a man can disrespect you – but he can’t “angry” or “sad” you. This keeps it all about YOU and what you’re feeling, not about what he’s doing or not doing. I hope that clarifies it!
If you’re not familiar with Rori’s material, I’d highly recommend signing up for her free newsletters (you can find them by clicking the link above in this blog post), and she gives a more in-depth explanation of feeling messages and how to use them in her eBook and programs.
To answer your other questions, this is NOT your fault. You’re not doing anything wrong, and blaming yourself won’t help you at all here. And yes, the right man for you will absolutely be able to hear you and respond positively when you express how you feel without making him “wrong.”
Love, Helena
Thank you so much Helena! That makes sense about the feeling message now! ..and it is such a relief to stop blaming myself about someone else feeling defensive..i tend to blame myself for everything, but this is slowly getting better and better, as I feel strong enough to let them go 🙂