Do You Give Too Much In Relationships?
Here’s a question from Marie, who’s giving too much in her relationship.
The Question:
Hi Helena, I’m frustrated because I’m giving more than I’m receiving in my relationship. I help him with everything, I give him gifts all the time, I’ve loaned him money, the list goes on and on. How can I inspire him to start giving to me? – Marie
My Answer:
Marie – this is a great question, one that many women can relate to. There are a couple different things going on here. The first one is…
You have a “system” in place that’s telling you that you don’t deserve love and you don’t deserve a man unless you’re GIVING to him.
Then, if you’re like most of us, you’re beating yourself up by thinking you must not be doing enough since you’re not getting anything back in return – which causes you to want to give even MORE.
To break this cycle of overfunctioning, you need to take your focus OFF of him – and instead focus on loving yourself and taking care of yourself.
Believe it or not, giving and nurturing are masculine traits – they’re about DOING.
You need to get your masculine energy in gear for YOURSELF – rather than for him. Then you need to get in touch with your feminine energy – which is about RECEIVING.
THIS is what inspires him to give to you!
You won’t inspire him to give to you by giving to HIM – that’s the wrong way to go.
We’ve all been taught that it’s better to give than to receive – but when it comes to relationships…
Men CAN’T fall in love with us when we’re giving to them. They fall in love when they’re giving to US!
The other thing that’s going on here is that you’re “giving to get” – you’re giving to him in hopes that you’ll get something back in return – whether it’s more love, affection, attention, appreciation, or commitment.
This is very common, and it doesn’t inspire him to give to you – in fact, it does the opposite!
When you’re constantly giving and “doing” for a man, you’re going to feel resentful if you’re not getting anything in return. Then you’re going to be walking around with this vibe that he can feel.
He can feel the tension – he can feel the “stuff” in the air – and it makes him feel like he can’t make you happy.
This doesn’t make him want to give to you – this makes him want to withdraw. We’ve all experienced this.
Overfunctioning and compulsively giving will actually REPEL masculine-energy men on a deep, unconscious level.
To start turning this around, try this…
1. Catch yourself when you’re starting to feel resentful – that’s a BIG clue that you’re giving too much. Remember that anger and resentment build in direct proportion to the amount of effort and energy you’re putting out in the relationship.
2. Also, catch yourself when you’re “giving to get” – and STOP.
3. Take a breath – put one foot behind the other – and LEAN BACK.
4. Put your arms down by your side – rather than reaching out towards him. Make sure your palms are facing out, like you’re about to receive something wonderful.
5. Imagine all of his energy, love, attention, and affection coming TOWARDS you – even if they’re not at the moment. This is what’s going to shift your vibe.
See if this helps to reduce your impulse to constantly DO things and give to him. And be sure to appreciate him when he DOES give to you – which is what he’ll most likely do when you lean back and give him the space to come towards you!
2 replies to "Do You Give Too Much In Relationships?"
Yes! I feel like this was written just for me, I always feel the impulse to give, I feel like I can’t help it. This is a great reminder that I CAN, I can choose to lean back instead. Thank you!
Absolutely! Once you become aware of what you’re doing and you’re able to start “catching” yourself when you feel the impulse to give, you can start turning it around. It takes some conscious effort at first but it definitely gets easier with practice!
Love, Helena