Here’s a great question from Andrea about what to do when a man who was withdrawing starts contacting you again.
Hi Helena, I had taken a step back from a man because he was withdrawing and basically not giving me what I needed. I decided it wasn’t enough for me, and I stopped contacting him. Now that I’m moving on he’s calling me again. Why do you think he’s doing this? Nothing has changed with him, so I’m not sure what he wants. Is he trying to make me feel bad? What should I do? – Andrea
Andrea – this is a great question, and SO incredibly common.
Of course he’s calling you! And no, he’s not trying to make you feel bad. What’s going on here is…
When a man loses a woman, all of the sudden she becomes more attractive to him.
Then he gets lonely, and he calls her. This is classic male behavior – it’s been this way since the beginning of time.
However, if a woman breaks up with a man as a “strategy” because she’s hoping he’ll want her more – yes, he’s going to call her again – AND… the moment she answers the phone and he hears her voice, it’s going to be the same as it always was.
His fears, his un-readiness, his lack of masculine action, and “where he’s at” will all come back. Yes, they may get back together for awhile – but essentially the man hasn’t changed, and they’ll run into the same issues somewhere down the line.
I spent YEARS of my life on men like this – and the same thing would happen over and over. They were crazy about me and “couldn’t live without me” until they HAD me – then the same issues would surface and all of the sudden they “weren’t ready” all over again.
It sounds like you’re already aware that nothing has changed with this man. When a man changes – and it IS possible for him to change, by the way – you can feel it right away, and something completely different happens.
So in this situation where it’s clear the man hasn’t changed, what should you do next? The answer is absolutely NOTHING!
For those of us who haven’t had easy love lives, we all have a similar thing going on – which is this feeling of URGENCY.
Urgency causes us to say things to ourselves like, “If I don’t get HIM, there won’t be somebody else…” or “I’ll try to get somebody else, but I’ve always been in painful relationships so the same thing will happen with a new man.”
You may be telling yourself, “I’m not competent to do what’s best for me in relationships…” – and I’m telling you that you ARE competent!
We’re all just doing the very best we can with what we were taught, and it sounds to me like your instincts are right on here.
It’s not important WHY he’s doing anything. All the reasons why he’s called you are not important.
The questions to ask yourself are: “Where’s the warmth?” and “Where’s the distance?”
This combination of DISTANCE and WARMTH is extremely important for virtually every situation you could possibly find yourself in with a man.
Let’s say this guy calls you, what you want to convey is warmth – NOT because strategically you want him to fall for you – but because this is who you are, a warm and open woman.
When ANY man calls you, you get to practice this on him!
This breaks it down into something simple – when a man comes towards you, you’re warm and open. When he’s not there, you’re distant by creating space for yourself and opening up to the world – and to men who ARE pursuing you and who are capable of having the kind of relationship you’re looking for.