Here’s a great question from Carey about how to tell if a man is looking for a serious relationship, or if he just wants to casually date. I thought it would be helpful for everyone.
Hi Helena, I seem to have a difficult time discerning which men are really looking for a serious relationship, and which men are just looking to casually date. What can you look for early on in dating to be able to tell so you don’t waste time? Thanks! – Carey
Carey – this is a fantastic question!
Some men are looking for life-long partnership, some men are born wanting that – and some men are born wanting freedom. Some men are just not cut out for long-term relationships – they’re just not willing to learn what they need to learn or do what it takes to “get the girl.”
Different men have different capacities and abilities at different moments in time, and there are all kinds of different matches for you.
Some people are cut out for domesticity, and some people are cut out for “freedom.”
The truth is, domesticity and a dangerous, “exciting” type of man don’t mix very well. Domesticity by nature might seem kind of boring – it’s “everyday” and it’s about familiarity, which some people say eventually kills sexual attraction.
I believe you have to work through that to build INTIMACY. Intimacy, in my opinion, is a way IN to sexual attraction.
Practically speaking, when it comes to dating, if a man isn’t 100% available for the kind of relationship you’re looking for – he doesn’t get one second of your time, energy, or attention. That’s a REQUIREMENT, because I know how easy it can be to get all wrapped up in these “exciting” men who just aren’t cut out for long-term partnership!
That’s why it’s so important to not invest in any ONE man until he’s offering you everything you want.
For example, if you’re looking to have kids within the next couple of years and that’s really important to you, you don’t want to invest your time and energy into someone who “might want kids someday” or someone who says he doesn’t want kids – and hope you’ll change his mind. That’s a recipe for disappointment and heartbreak.
For these bigger issues, a man has to be on the same page as you for him to even qualify – and his energy has to be coming TOWARDS you.
If a man’s energy isn’t coming towards you – or if you can’t feel relaxed and be yourself around him – just drop him! It’s not worth your time or energy to even THINK about a man who’s not totally crazy about you. If he’s not, just forget about him and move on to the type of men who would do anything to be with you!
The key is to let men do what they’re going to do, while you lean back and just WATCH them to see whether or not you’re on the same page, without getting hung up on any one of them until they decide to STAY – until they come across with what you’re looking for in a relationship.
Dating may seem like a full-time job – and yet if what you want is a meaningful, fulfilling relationship – I believe it’s totally WORTH the full-time job!