Women ask me all the time, “How can I stop beating myself up and blaming myself for all of my failed relationships?”
If deep down you believe there’s something wrong with you and you’re going to mess up all of your relationships, you’ll often end up making that come true.
What’s helpful here is to take a look the belief that says, “I’m doing it all wrong.”
If you really take a look at that voice inside of you that’s beating you up, it’s usually not YOUR voice. That voice might be one of your parents’ voices, or someone in your life who’s had a great deal of influence on you.
As children, in order to feel loved, we often take on the role of the critical parent. We take on their voice and basically do the job FOR them.
We can become critical perfectionists and drive ourselves crazy this way as adults.
This often leads to self-sabotage in life and in relationships. What that means is when you’re behaving this way, you’re out of rapport with yourself.
When you’re out of rapport with yourself – if that “little person” inside of you is not getting her needs met or doesn’t feel safe in the world – she’ll act out and sabotage you.
It’s like a little kid throwing a tantrum at the worst possible moment – that self-sabotaging behavior may seem like it’s coming from outside of yourself, but it’s actually all coming from INSIDE of you.
Being in rapport with yourself is SO important. You want to “step into yourself” so you can feel loved for who you really are – so you don’t feel like you have to change yourself to earn love.
When you “step into yourself” and your own power, all of the masks, sabotaging behaviors, insecurities and critical voices begin to disappear and you begin to feel more like YOU.
This helps you to be more accepting of yourself and show up as your authentic self – which is what allows you to feel loved for who you really are, because you’re showing up as your REAL self from the beginning.
Everyone always says, “Just be yourself!” Part of doing that is understanding that there’s nothing wrong with you. Instead of worrying about whether or not someone else is going to like you, you’re allowing yourself to just BE. This is an unbelievably attractive quality!
What you want to do is look for that voice that’s blaming you or beating you up, and break that contract. In a sense you’ve made a contract with that voice – you’ve made a contract to buy into its whole story of who you are.
Up until now you’ve continued to play out that contract, and it’s time for you to break that contract and say, “I no longer need to be the kind of person you think I needed to be. I get to be myself.”
We often have behaviors that we THINK are helping us in the bigger picture, but they’re actually doing just the opposite! We think we need be hard on ourselves and strive for perfection in order to continue to drive ourselves forward – we tend to connect these things together.
For example, if you have a tough “inner critic” who’s driving you forward, you may think that you’d turn into a lazy slob if you didn’t have that “inner critic” inside of you.
Take a look at how you motivate yourself. Do you motivate yourself from a place of criticism or a place of rewards?
When you’re driven to do something – when you have ambitions to be successful or serve people or to be loving, kind, and compassionate – those characteristics that you have inside of you are YOURS, whether you have an “inner critic” or not.
It’s time to separate your “inner critic” from all the benefits you THINK you’re getting from that criticism!
We’re not “human doings” – we’re human beings. You want to be moving through the world as your highest and best self. That’s the place where you can connect with the right man for you and create an amazing life together.