Here’s the first step to Dr. Jamie Turndorf’s 5-Step Plan For Reconciling With Your Ex. Dr. Turndorf is an internationally renowned relationship expert, psychotherapist, author, and radio host. Here’s what she has to say:
In this summary report, I will briefly outline the first step of my entire program for you. Of course, I can only go so deep here since space is limited, but I am giving this information away because my life’s mission has always been to help people find lasting love, and I want you to succeed. So let’s get to it! —Jamie Turndorf, Ph.D.
Even the most superficial of today’s “get your ex back” programs recommend that the first thing you need to do is back off, curb your sense of urgency, and take some time to calm down and reflect. There are good reasons for this advice.
To begin with, you run the risk of driving your ex further away if you push too hard and too fast. Next, your heightened emotional state is likely to cause you to say and do the wrong things. Finally, and most importantly, you need to put your emotions in check and make sure you really are doing the right thing for yourself.
But there’s more to it than that – you need to go even deeper. You need to take yet another step back and ask yourself these questions:
What is it that you and your ex were looking for in the relationship? What is it you were seeking in the other person?
This is different than why you were attracted to your ex – instead, what is the fundamental universal human need that causes people to get into relationships to begin with? I’ll give you a hint: it has nothing to do with physical attraction or sex.
This fundamental human need can be broken down into what I call Relationship Essential Nutrients. Some of these nutrients are the same for men and women, and some are quite different. These nutrients are what you need to give to your ex in order to motivate them to come back to you and stay for a lifetime.
This is where a thorough reconciliation program will go further and deeper than all the “quick fix” methods out there. Without a clear understanding of what holds human relationships together, how can you ever hope to restore what’s broken? That’s like trying to build a house without understanding gravity.
When you understand what these Relationship Essential Nutrients are, you can then go on to figure out what went wrong and why your relationship fell apart to begin with.
This step is often quite blatantly ignored by many “get your ex back” methods today. But again, how can you fix something if you don’t know why it broke?
I understand why so many self-proclaimed “experts” sidestep this issue (how you get to be an expert without any formal education or clinical experience is a mystery to me). This is a highly delicate situation that needs to be handled correctly.
Nobody knows better than me that this can often be a “minefield.” I can’t tell you how many difficult sessions I’ve sat through with couples yelling, insulting, and hurling accusations at each other.
I know how easy it can be to get caught up in that, but with the right guidance – while it might be seem like “dangerous” territory to get into – you’ll soon get past your personal agenda and focus on what’s best for the relationship.
I can tell you for certain that if you don’t face this issue now, you’ll end up facing it sooner or later. A minefield swept under the rug is bound to get stepped on again.
The purpose of looking into what went wrong is NOT to go around in circles of guilt and blame, or figure out who’s “wrong” and who’s “right.”
When you can honestly see what went wrong in your relationship, you can in turn focus on the positive and affirm what was right. You’ll also learn how to better communicate your needs and support one another.
Only then will you be able to provide each other with that one universal human need and those Relationship Essential Nutrients.